Comforting a grieving friend can mean a lot of things, not just a death. Your friend could be feeling grief from a difficult break-up, a broken relationship, fallout with family, being rejected for a job or degree program or anything else that causes them serious distress. While much of this post relates specifically to grief from death, many of the tips and thoughts written here can be applied to all kinds of grief. Oftentimes, we want to be a comfort and a help to those we love but we don’t know how. We get uncomfortable with the emotions of others so we avoid the topic altogether. Months after a tragedy or a major disappointment, we may assume they are fine or “over it” and stop checking on them. As a society, we are not great at dealing with the grief of others. Our intentions are always good, but we struggle to navigate grief because we simply don’t know how, so we keep our distance. Here are some ways all of us can be a comfort to a grieving friend, family member or coworker.
 

Be Present

The best thing you can do for someone who is experiencing grief is to remind them that they are not alone. They may not be themselves and being with them may not be “fun” but your simple presence can be an indescribable comfort. You do not have to try and fix it. You likely cannot anyway and your attempts to console them might make matters worse, such as talking about your own grief or trying to minimize theirs with phrases like “At least they are in a better place” or “At least they are no longer in pain.” Those phrases are well-meaning, but all they do is tell the griever that they should be less sad. Let them be sad. Let them cry on your shoulder. Their grief is not your problem to solve. Simply be with them and remind them they have love still in this world.

Listen With Empathy

Most of us can listen to what another person is saying. But listening with empathy is a particular skill that many of us do not have. Most people in conversation listen to respond and not to understand. Empathetic listening goes even a step further and listens to let the speaker feel felt. Empathetic listening is about the other person and not about us. Don’t chime in with your own stories of grief unless they are relevant or asked for. Reflect back what they have told you so they know you heard them. Use feeling words to help them identify their emotions. Sometimes grief shows up in many forms, including sadness, depression, anger, guilt, and frustration. All of them are valid and your empathetic listening and reflecting gives them permission to freely feel all of them.

Say Something Other Than “I’m Sorry For Your Loss”

A lot of us have no idea what to say when someone tells us about their grief. So we tell them we are sorry for their loss. But that isn’t what we really mean. I have heard from many people who have experienced loss that hearing “I’m sorry” is hardly a comfort to them. This phrase distances us from the grief of our loved one and places the burden of comforting us onto them. It shuts down any further conversation about their grief. There are a lot of other options for words to help convey how deeply we care about our grieving friends. Start with “I am so sorry to hear about ______. ” and add one of the following:
  • I know this must be so hard for you.
  • You must miss them so much.
  • I love you.
  • I’m here for you.

Send or Bring Food

Providing food for a grieving friend is always a practical way to help. You can bring food yourself and organize a way for others to bring meals as well. You can start a meal train for them for free at MealTrain.com. People can sign up for times and days so the person is not overwhelmed and multiple people are not bringing food at the same time. If you are at a distance, you can even order food for delivery to their home. During the beginning stages of grief, we are less likely to care for ourselves properly so sending nutritious, no-fuss meals can be so helpful for that person. If you are comfortable doing so, grocery shop for them or use grocery delivery to have some basics sent to their home.

Send or Do Something Meaningful

Flowers are nice, but there are other things that you can do or send that are so much more helpful. If you are at a distance and cannot be physically present, you can send a representation of yourself in the form of a care package or sympathy gift basket full of necessities they likely won’t think of during times of grief. You can also do something to honor the memory of their loved one, such as donating to their funeral fund, sharing that call for donations with others or donating to a charity you know would honor their loved one. Another practical option would be arranging cleaning services. This could be coordinating friends together to do so or purchasing from a professional cleaning service. Your grieving friend is likely not prioritizing cleaning home or their space. Having a clean and put together atmosphere can be a very healing and meaningful thing to provide for them.

Pray For Them

Pray, pray and pray some more for your grieving friend. Pray for comfort, peace, and healing for your friend. Pray they are surrounded by loved ones and reminded they are not alone. Pray against attack from the enemy on their heart and mind, as we are especially vulnerable to his lies during times of grief. Pray specific scriptures of comfort over them. Pray for their heart to believe Truth instead of lies. You can find a comprehensive list of scriptures for grief in this beautiful article by The Graceful Journey.

Ask Them About Their Loved One

Maybe not immediately, but allow them to tell you stories about who or what they are grieving. Give them space to share their memories of them. Even though that person is no longer living, they are still a part of your grieving friend’s life. They are still interwoven in their story. When others around us have lost someone, we tend to tiptoe around that person’s name or avoid bringing things up that would remind them of their loved one. Believe me, they are thinking of them whether you ask or mention them or not. We aren’t protecting our friends from the pain of their loved one by not talking about them. Ask them to tell you about their life, memories that feature that person and what they loved most about them. That person lives in their heart and reminiscing may cause what seems like tears and sadness, but it is actually helping them to heal and write their death into your grieving friend’s new reality.

Remember The Long Term

Grief doesn’t end just because time has passed. It is a journey and a process. Continue to offer your support and care months and years after the initial event. Set reminders on your phone or on your calendar to call or send a card a few months down the road. Make note of dates or events that might be difficult for them, such as a birthday, anniversary or holiday. Send texts to check in on them and let them know that you’re still praying for them. Anniversaries of the event can be especially hard, so make note of the date and reach out to them, whether in person, electronically or with a small but meaningful gift. Have you ever lost a loved one? What helped you deal with your grief? Tell me in the comments! With love, Ashley

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