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Singleness is Not Second-ness

Our culture certainly glorifies marriage, but to be married is not to be better than others. And, to be married should not be the goal.

In 1 Corinthians 7, Paul addressed singleness very specifically. He believed Jesus was coming back within his lifetime and that a spouse could distract from preparing for Christ’s return. Despite that opinion, he clearly states that BOTH singleness and marriage are gifts. Paul was single and shared a lot of wisdom on this subject. He says,

“ I wish that all were as I myself am. But each has his own gift from God, one of one kind and one of another. ”
1 Corinthians 7:7

Paul states that his opinion is that single people are at an advantage for the Kingdom of God because they have fewer responsibilities and fewer distractions. He does not condemn marriage, as it is clear in the Bible that husbands and wives can be blessings to one another, but he clearly believes that singleness is better for the Kingdom.

Singleness is Not A Waiting Season

I am not someone who was usually single. I was sexually abused as a child and a teenager (you can read my full testimony here) and this awakened my sexuality at a very young age. My home was broken and so was I, so I sought affection, attention, and fulfillment in relationships and dating.

I ended up in so many toxic relationships and did whatever they wanted me to. I had no self-confidence or self-worth. I wish I would have had the strength to stay single during that time in my life. I wish I would have had taken the time to heal and to grow and to understand my faith. I had friends who dragged me to every vacation bible school, youth group, retreat, and event but I was too distracted by my own stuff to listen and really let Jesus get a hold of my heart.

I was too busy chasing something I thought I wanted.

If the “wait well and God will bring you a husband” message is true, then my life is an anomaly. I did everything you weren’t supposed to do before marriage, including having sex.

That’s right, I wasn’t a virgin. And I got married at 21 to an incredibly Godly man who loves me well and is committed to our marriage reflecting the Gospel to the world.

I didn’t earn my marriage and I don’t believe that you can either. Marriage is NOT the goal of our lives. Our purpose in this world is to glorify God and spread the Gospel and you do not have to be married to excel at that purpose.

Marriage Will Not Make You Happy

Marriage is a blessing, yes, but its purpose is not to make you happy. The message of the world is that finding a spouse will lead to a blissful ever after with no problems because they are your soulmate.

THIS. IS. A. LIE.

Marriage will not make you happy, especially if you pine after it with that expectation. The purpose of marriage is to refine you, sanctify you, and reflect the Gospel to the world around you. (Also, for procreation. We need people to marry and have children to continue humankind).

I am not saying your feelings are invalid or your desire for marriage is wrong, but work to seek the Lord’s desire for your life and you will become more content in whatever season you are in. He will supply all of your needs & grant you the desires of your heart-He might just need to change your heart’s desires first.

“But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.”
Matthew 6:33

God may bring a husband into your life or He may not, but either way, He is still good. Your life is still purposed and worthy whether or not you are married.

Do not weigh the value of your life against what someone else has or spend precious years “waiting” for your life to begin. Single or engaged or married or widowed, your life is now & only now.

Resources to Encourage Your Single Season

Books & Programs

Love Your Single Life Program by Stephanie May Wilson

This is the only course of it’s kind, focused on single Christian women who want to make the most of their singe life & work to become healthier in all relationships in their life. It includes a lot of wisdom for dating with intention as well. It is a powerhouse of a course.

The New Rules for Love, Sex & Dating by Andy Stanley

Stanley presents a difficult topic plainly and with so much wisdom. His mantra in this book is, “Are you the person the person you are looking for is looking for?” He challenges readers to confront what they thought they knew about sex, dating , relationships but most importantly, themselves. It’s as much a book about self-reflection & growth as it is about Godly dating.

Unseen by Sara Haggerty

In this wonderful book, Sara asserts that the reason many of us feel unseen, unknown & unloved is because God is the only one who can truly see us, know us, and love us in all the little, secret places of our lives. This book reminds us to be still and let God fill us in the way only He can. It’s about turning to God in the little, mundane moments of life and letting him pursue us in those moments unseen by the rest of the world.

Party of One by Mandy Hale

Mandy’s book is raw, honest, bold, and truthful, addressing many of the fears & insecurities single people feel. She reminds us that we do not need to be married to be happy or wise. She speaks about singleness the same way Paul does in 1 Corinthians 7, as something to be celebrated. She encourages you to live the life you have now with fierceness and confidence. No princess-purity or waiting-wel culture in this book.

The LipStick Gospel by Stephanie May Wilson

Stephanie’s book is a light-hearted, encouraging story of a woman recovering from heartbreak & traveling the world. If you’re wrestling with doubt or comparison, struggling to find faith in your single journey, her story will touch you and remind you of getting coffee with a friend.

Savoring Single by Shelley Black

Shelley’s book invites single women to live an abundant, vibrant life in the midst of their singleness. She speaks into savoring your single season with a deep pursuit of intimacy with God and encourages single women to be the very best version of themselves, independent of their relationship status.

Sex and the Single Girl by Dr. Julie Slattery, Abby Ludvigson & Chelsey Nugteren

This book is far more than just do’s and don’ts for single Christians and their sexual desire. This book dives deep into an issue the Church is often silent about : it covers everything from God’s design for sexuality, boundaries with sexual activity, battling sexual temptations and embracing intimacy with God. This is the kind of book I wish I had read when I was younger.

Podcast Shows & Episodes

How to Stay Strong & Love Your Single Life Podcast Episode from The Heart of Dating

A Single Focus from The Carrie On Podcast

The Single Girl’s Guide to Making Valentine’s Day Fun with Brighton Keller from the She Podcast

Breakups 101: Tips to Heal a Broken Heart from the She Podcast

The Confident Single Woman Podcast for Single Christian Women

Blog Posts

5 Reasons Why Being Single is Awesome by Stephanie May Wilson

Celebrating Others Without Comparison by Kara Abernathy

On Being Single and Not Settling by Sara at Pretty Simple Ideas

Singleness Is Not Problem to Be Solved from Desiring God

Who Said You Have to Wait? by Well-Watered Women

I pray these resources encourage you, friend, and you find confidence, abundance, and growth in your single season. I pray you remember you are loved as you are and you don’t need anyone but the Lord to satisfy your heart.

Your Sister In Christ,