Everyone battles temptations and the enemy loves to try and call our attention to them. He is really good at making giving in to sin look really fun.  That’s the problem with sin; we are naturally inclined to it (thank you, Adam and Eve) AND a lot of the time it is really fun, but can have dire, eternal consequences.

God calls us to the opposite of sin to protect us and to draw us closer to Him so that we might live with Him for all eternity; that is WAY better than whatever momentary satisfaction or fun we might get from sin.

While all sin is sin in God’s eyes, some sins hurt us worse than others and some have far worse earthly consequences than others.

Sometimes, the temptations and sins of our spouses hurt us deeply. Sometimes your spouse gives in to being prideful or selfish or ignores their role as the spiritual leader of your home. Other times they give in to sins that cause far more devastation, such as looking at pornography, having an affair, gambling or misusing money.

Some situations are harder to handle and take longer to heal from, but each situation is to be handled with forgiveness, empathy, love and compassion.

While these actions can cause us a great deal of pain, a small shift in perspective can help us to have empathy and compassion for our spouses, who are likely already feeling the consequences of their actions before it ever comes to us.

Let me be clear about one thing as you read this post: nothing I say here applies to abuse. You are not obligated to stay and support your husband as he battles that demon. You can absolutely be a prayer warrior for his heart from afar, but ultimately your safety is a priority. 

If you are in an unsafe situation, I am praying for your safety. Please, get help. You can visit the National Domestic Violence hotline or call 1−800−799−7233 for anonymous help.

While this post is specifically written for wives, the principles listed here can easily be applied by husbands helping wives battle temptations as well.

Be Mindful of Your Reaction

This is especially true if your spouse comes to you to confess their sins or moral failures to you openly. You will likely be hurt and upset, but do your best to remain calm and rationally explain how you are feeling. If you can, try to begin with reminding your spouse that you love them, but what they have done has hurt you or angered you and that will take time to heal.

Try not to make any rash decisions in this emotional state or make declarations or promises. If you need to take some time alone to calm down, to pray, to cry, do it. But come back together in a calm state to discuss your next steps as a couple.

That could be counseling or meeting with mentors to help you through your situation, but always remember that you are on the same team. You are two sinners joined together for life and neither of you are perfect.

The world would tell you that you are justified in anger, retaliation and making your spouse “pay” for what they did to you, but none of that is biblical OR Christ-like (Luke 6:37; Colossians 3:13; Matthew 6:14-15; Ephesians 4:31-32).

Be Mindful of Your Approach

This applies if you have stumbled upon or found out about a spouse’s sin and they did not confess it to you. This one is a little more difficult to handle because not only do you feel the hurt of their sin, but you also feel the hurt of being lied to.

This may cause you to want to immediately confront your spouse in anger, but try not to do that. You have the opportunity now to take time to collect yourself, to calm yourself and to pray before you approach your spouse.

My biggest piece of advice here is: do not manipulate your spouse. Don’t bring it up in front of other people for the first time, don’t call them out on it during an argument, don’t try to trap them in a lie just so you can feel superior. This is not an effective way to begin to address an issue.

It might make you feel better for a moment, but it will cause more damage than good.

As you prepare to approach your spouse, think about your motive: are you hoping to get everything out in the open so you can begin to work through it, or are you selfishly seeking retribution?

When you do approach them, pray their hearts would be open to your words and speak the truth gently and in love. Accusing words or hostile tone will shut them down and harden their heart.

You Are Not Your Husband’s Holy Spirit

This is something I struggle with so often.

You are not his judge, you are his support. You are his helpmate and co-pilot in this life. Whatever he did may leave you feeling betrayed and completely devastated. However, that does not automatically undo your union or excuse you from holding up your end of your vows.

You are one flesh (Mark 10:8) and if one of you is walking through a hard season or are struggling with temptation, you both are.

Right now you may be walking through the poorer instead of the richer, the worse instead of the better.

It is not your job to fix your spouse’s heart or punish them, but it is your job to walk through it with them, however, that looks for your situation. Doing that may very well be the hardest thing you ever do.

This leads me to my next point.

Get Professional Help

You do not have to walk through this alone; if your spouse is willing, go to counseling.

If your spouse is not willing, go alone anyway. Working on yourself sets an example and as your spouse sees you begin to grow and heal, they will want that for themselves.

It is not weak to know when you need help. It is actually braver and you are stronger for knowing when you can’t go any further on your own.

Seek help from a trusted mentor or Pastor who can encourage you and give you sound biblical direction.

Lean on your tribe and ask for others to join you in praying through your situation. You can ask for prayer in your situation while still protecting the dignity of your spouse. Details are not necessary for prayer to be powerful and effective.

Some practical steps you can take are:

1. Start With Prayer

Prayer is your best weapon as you stand in battle with your husband against temptation. This is always the first step when dealing with temptation and sin. Pray for strength, the forgiveness of any unconfessed sin, and for your heart to be soft and compassionate toward your spouse.

This is a step you can take without any details or knowledge of your husband’s battles. You do not need to know everything in order to pray effectively for his heart.

2. Imagine the Situation Reversed

This may be hard to picture when you are in the thick of a hard season where you have been wronged. Try to think about what you would want from your spouse if it were you who was struggling. How would you want them to treat you if you had a moral failure or gave into temptation?

How would you want them to be praying for you?

3. Seek Wisdom and Guidance

Find someone you trust (a close friend, pastor, mentor, counselor, etc.) and seek their wisdom. Read what the bible says about separation in marriage and forgiveness. Read truth for yourself and seek biblical guidance from others; we have a need for community. We are not meant to walk through trials such as these alone.

4. Encourage Him to Find Accountability

As his spouse, you cannot be his only accountability. He needs it outside his home as well. Encourage him to meet with someone mature in the faith regularly. This can be a pastor, a friend or a mentor, but encourage him to confide in another brother in Christ.

He needs someone walking with him who knows what he is going through.

Your Sister In Christ,