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I love my husband. He is my best friend and my favorite person on this planet. However, sometimes I do not like my husband very much. I know there are times when he does not like me very much either. There are days when stress gets the best of us and we are not good spouses. There are days where our communication is muddy and unclear and days where my attitude just plain stinks and he gets the brunt of it. Sometimes stress drains our energy to love well. But it doesn’t really matter what kind of day today is; I am called to love him, even when I do not like him. He is called to love me, even when the ugliness of my flesh comes out. We are called to respect and have genuine kindness for one another, even when our flesh doesn’t want to. Love is a verb, not just a feeling. If you only love on your spouse when you are feeling all those warm fuzzies that being in love with someone can bring, your marriage will crumble like a house of cards. An everyday example of this practically lived out was earlier this week. Mark is in seminary full time in pursuit of Military Chaplaincy. He also balances this with a part time job, National Guard duties and our heavy church involvement. He does the absolute best he can to get everything done and also be a loving, present husband. Sometimes, though, there are just not enough hours in the day or energy in our bodies. One evening, we went out for a quick dinner and were on our way back home. Dinner was delicious and we laughed and got to forget about all of life’s crazy responsibilities for an hour (which never happens). On the way back, we go into an argument about something so silly I can’t even remember what it was about. I ended up walking upstairs alone while he sulked in the car. I decided to go run an errand to get out of the house and I left without saying goodbye. We were both acting pouty and sulky and incredibly immature. About an hour later as I was pulling into our apartment complex. He texted me when I was almost home with a favor. He asked me to bring him an energy drink because he was going to be pulling an all-nighter trying to finish up a paper that was 50 percent of his final grade. I was still mad about this silly fight. I was incensed that I had not received an apology yet and did not have any desire to help him out. With a huge sigh, I turned my car around and went to pick him up what he asked for anyway. I even got extras for the next few days because I thought he might need them. I knew that we would eventually make up and my soon-to-be softened heart would regret not having a serving attitude. Not only did choosing to serve him anyway soften my heart, it softened his. We both apologized for being stubborn and forgot about the silly fight entirely. Loving your spouse when you don’t like them or are upset with them is incredibly difficult and goes completely against what our flesh wants to do; it is impossible to do without the help of the Holy Spirit and without the truth of God’s Word hidden in your heart. The world tells us that the silent treatment and passive aggression in marriage is totally justified because whatever your spouse did was wrong and you are right. The message of the world stokes the fire of pride in our hearts and makes us believe that we are more important than our spouses. Pride in a marriage is like having termites in your house; it will slowly eat away and the foundation you have built on love and humility and it will all come crashing down. The good news is that you can take steps now to protect your heart and marriage against the disease of pride by being intentional about loving your spouse everyday. Here are some practical ways to strengthen your Spirit against your flesh and humbly love your spouse, even when you don’t want to.
Read About Love in Marriage
Find a reading plan or google verses about love. Spend time studying what God’s instructions for love and marriage are by reading Scripture. The YouVersion Bible App has a variety of short reading plans to focus your heart on what God’s Word says about marriage, such as their Fighting For Your Marriage plan or 7 Secrets to an Awesome Marriage plan. There is not better marriage advice out there than what God’s Word says about it. Find a book full of Godly wisdom about marriage and read through it one chapter at a time. If your spouse is on board, go through a book together. Some of my favorite books for Christian marriage are You & Me Forever by Francis and Lisa Chan and Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas. Beating 50 percent has created an awesome couple’s devotional that uses 6 weekly questions and can supplement any book or reading plan.Write Letters
We have a lot of ways of communicating these days, with social media, phone calls and text messages being the norm in our daily lives. Even with all of that, there is nothing quite like handwritten words from your heart to someone else’s. Write a letter from you to your spouse.Write one to yourself as well. This will remind you of truth and how you really feel about your spouse. If you are a visual person, you can also create a scrapbook or memory book that will have the same effect. Include joyful memories, funny stories, favorite verses that encourage you as a couple and even pictures. These should serve to remind you that you are on the same team. Being right doesn’t matter as much as being together.Practice Gratitude For Your Spouse
It can be difficult to be thankful for our spouses when they are driving us crazy, but if you regularly practice it, then it becomes something you do without thinking. You can try journaling gratitude or speaking it out loud to your spouse at least once a day. Make a “I love you because..” board in a visible spot in your home and write gratitude to one another every day. You can DIY one extremely easily! Just grab a 5 x 7 or larger picture frame and some printed or solid colored paper. Insert the paper behind the glass and voila! Use a dry erase marker and take turns writing something you love about one another.Learn Your Spouses Love Language
In fact, figure out your own as well. Use this knowledge to speak your spouse’s love language often and to ask for what you need from your spouse. If you don’t know about The 5 Love Languages, written by Gary Chapman, you need to. Each of us feel loved by different actions and you and your spouse may have very different love languages. Mine is Acts of Service, while my husband’s is Quality Time & Physical Touch (tied). In order for us to love one another the best, we have to go out of our way to speak the other’s love language. I am not naturally a cuddler in relationships. It doesn’t occur to me most of the time that my husband may feel unloved if I am not physically showing him affection. He doesn’t always realize that I feel most loved when he does something for me. Seriously I jump with joy when he loads the dishwasher after dinner. This takes practice and intentionality but the result is so worth the labor. Learn more about the 5 Love Languages and discover yours here!Pray, Pray & Pray Some More
Godly marriage is something the enemy loves to attack. You need to lifting up your spouse often and praying for protection over your heart and marriage daily. Praying for your spouse can seem overwhelming but it does not have to be complicated or fancy. Prayer was not something I was comfortable with or prioritizing daily, but taking the time to learn and invest in praying for my marriage has paid dividends. If you need guidance on getting started with praying for your spouse, I highly recommend The Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie OMartin or 31 Prayers for my Husband by Jennifer Smith. Both of these books were extremely helpful to me in starting to regularly pray for my husband. Both books gave me topics I hadn’t thought of on my own and helped me with words to pray. The Power of Praying wife also gives Bible verses you can use to pray scripture over your husband. Creating habits to better love your spouse during healthy seasons will bless you when a dry season comes your way. You will never regret the time, treasure and effort you invest in your marriage. It is not something you can wait any longer to implement into your daily life. How do you love your spouse when it’s difficult? What are some habits you are creating now that will bless your marriage in the future? Tell me about it in the comments!