This post about my trauma will likely be the most raw, real and bare I have ever been to anyone outside of my husband and close friends. I have struggled for a long time with being ashamed of my story and who I used to be. Recently, though, I have been very convicted about this as I dig into scripture and read story after story of God’s forgiveness and grace.
God has been gently nudging at my heart to share my story. So today, I am stepping out in obedience, praying God can use all I have been through and overcome through Him to encourage the heart of someone else.
My Broken Home
My story has a rocky start, a messy middle but a beautiful ending. I grew up fighting battles on all sides, in the world, in my heart, and at home. My parents went through an absolutely horrendous divorce when I was 3 years old. My mother left my father for another man and we went to live with him very abruptly. That man was my stepfather for the next 22 years.
The dysfunction of a broken home plagued my childhood. My parents struggled to co-parent across all of that pain and my siblings and I got caught in the cross-fire.
I was constantly going back and forth between houses and trying to make sense of this new family dynamic. None of those involved were Christians and there was no sense of grace, forgiveness or peace within my home. My parents often spent their money on indulgences such as gambling and drugs, so they struggled to make ends meet.
In my home, there was constant emotional & physical abuse and I never really felt stable or safe.
Childhood Trauma
In addition to an impoverished and damaging home life, I also experienced trauma outside my home. I was repeatedly molested by a friend’s brother for many years during my early childhood. My friend’s family was aggressively religious and I regularly attended church with them. These events colored my view of Christianity and God for most of my teen and young adult years. This caused a lot of confusion for me about who God was. How he could allow such a terrible thing to occur in my life, especially from someone who claimed to love Him?
Since I was in church a lot as a child, I heard over and over again the message of purity. I didn’t fully understand what was happening to me, but I knew I felt soiled and ruined.
The message of the world taught me that my womanhood itself was a temptation. Because of that, I struggled to accept the Gospel and that I was worthy of love at all. My mind led me to believe I was to blame for my abuse.
I had friends who continued to drag me to church on Sunday mornings, to vacation bible school and youth events but I had a hardness around my heart that took years and years to soften. Any time I began to let my guard down and I ended up hurt by broken people in the Church and this kept the wall up around my heart for a long time.
Teen Years
As is common with sexual abuse victims, I engaged in unhealthy relationships at a very early age. Many of them took advantage of my vulnerability and weakness. I was under the warped-by-trauma impression that my body was not my own and that being touched without permission was normal.
I did not know how to speak up and use my voice when I was uncomfortable or how to ask for help. Saying “No” wasn’t even an option in my mind.
Damaging, abusive relationships on top of my home life lead to serious anxiety, depression, and self-harm in my teen years. The relationships I engaged in and my home life repeatedly broke my heart.
I was searching for the love and affection my soul desperately desired, but I was searching for it in all of the wrong places. I believed I was too broken, dirty and soiled for God to possibly be able to love me.
Most people had no idea all I was going through, as I kept up appearances very well. I made good grades, played high school sports, was in National Honor Society and other clubs. I had a job and have been working since I was 16. Most people probably believed I was just fine. Those around me didn’t know how deep the constant pain and anxiety I was experiencing was.
While I never used drugs, I did use alcohol regularly to dull the pain. This increased when I entered college and the peer pressure and party scene bogged me down.
Running Into Hope
After my first year of college, I hit a low point and decided to transfer schools under the pretense of going to live with my best friend. In reality, I was trying to run away from myself and believed a “new start” would cure my feelings of restlessness and emptiness.
That following summer, I ran into an old friend from high school who was a Christian. He genuinely surprised me with his kindness and Christ-like attitude towards me. This softened my heart and slowly pointed me back to Jesus. (Fun fact: This old friend would eventually become my husband).
We were close friends in high school and but had lost contact after graduation. God brought him back into my life right when I was desperate enough to finally listen to someone tell me I was worthy of the love and forgiveness that Christ had to offer me. He listened without judgment and extended invites to Church multiple times. My heart was softened by his gentleness (and I’m sure by a prayer or two from him) and I finally gave my heart back to Christ in the summer of 2011.
Before he and I entered a dating relationship later that summer, I told him every detail of my past. His was response was to tell me how much God loved me. He reminded me that there was freedom and healing in my relationship with God if I chose to let him in.
He told me that all that mattered now was what I chose to do from that point on.
Choosing To Believe
My healing has been a long process and is one that is ongoing. But that summer, I found freedom. I finally believed the truth I had been too hurt to listen to for all those years.
I finally believed I was loved, free & forgiven. God saw me and all my sin and still called me beloved daughter. This was the first time I ever felt like God was real.
I still felt that effects of the trauma I endured as a child and teenager, but when I let God come in and heal my heart, the effects lessened. Through a lot of prayers and Godly counsel, I came to believe that those young men were battling unimaginable sin and evil in their hearts. I found the strength through God to forgive them, not because they deserved it, but because I did.
Once I chose to forgive, I was able to overcome the power that trauma, anger, and resentment had over me.
I have had to do a lot of heart work since then and I am only now beginning to grasp the depth of Christ and His love and grace for me. However, I still have work to do. I am always going to be a work in progress. I will not “arrive” or be able to fully fathom and understand God’s ways in this life, no matter how much studying and praying I do.
But with a full heart, I am going to pursue Christ and His ways all the days of my life. It is only through His love that I have found healing and peace. His grace was and is sufficient to cover me, redeem me and use me for His glory.
Life After Grace
I don’t tell you any of this for pity or for attention. My story is just one of the many testimonies of God’s enduring love and grace. I pray you know you are loved, wanted and adored by your heavenly Father. There is freedom through Christ Jesus.
Especially if you identify with my experience, I pray you know how loved you are. It was not your fault.
I am not walking in my past anymore, but that is not by my own strength. My traumatic memories often try to creep to my consciousness. I have to work to not let them affect my behavior, but God is always with me. The closer I get to Him, the more peace and comfort I find. Every wound leaves scars, even after they have healed. But I choose to let my scars tell a beautiful story instead of a tragic one.
They are a part of me, but they have no power over me anymore.
“I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”
John 16:33
If you found this story encouraging, would you share so it can encourage other women?
Your Sister in Christ,
Glad and grateful I stumbled upon your site.
We almost had the same life story. I’ve working on my healing for a year now and I am grateful and happy for the positive changes happening to me.
God is really good! I found everything in Him.
Love, comfort, and care.
Now, peace and happiness.
May, I am never happy to hear someone has a similar story to mine but I am always glad to hear how God has worked in healed in the lives of women like me. You said it so well; God is really good. We find everything in Him! Amen!
Thank you for sharing your story with such transparency. To hear about the power of God’s healing in your life is a blessing to my soul.
Thank you so much for that encouragement, Racheal. I’m so glad my story brought you a blessing. Praise the Lord for His goodness <3
I am 60 and I suffered with suppressed memories. I have been angry and depressed most of my.life. I have prayed for years to be delivered and often did therapy.I never gave up. I am exploring my childhood in therapy.My parents separated when I was very young. However,after my mom died my father visited me at law school. He told me my mom didn’t want my youngest brother and I. He told me that he wouldn’t let her use an IUD or get an abortion. He was sorry for the way my mom had treated me. I told him he should have let her abort me because my childhood was awful.
For years I suffered from anxiety, depression, and anger but had no memory of most of the abuse. I knew I was angry, so angry.
For now I just trust that God is with me, guiding me, and leading me.I pray that I can accept his will and to have a joyful heart.
I am praying to remember and release the movies in love.
Our redeemer and saviour lives through you Ashley keep sharing his miracle declare his goodness peace joy in the Holy Ghost power through transformation..I am going though my process I celebrate you warrior for Yahweh
I can relate to your story in so many different ways. I am learning to forgive and let out of my abuser. Only God has the power to heal us from our suffering. Thank you for sharing your experience with us, it’s encouraging.
Hello, Marie! Thank you so much for commenting. Forgiving and letting go of those who have hurt us is SO so hard, but God’s grace and strength in us are so sufficient. Praying for you as your work through that. Thank you for your encouragement!
How can we forgive those that hurt us?
Thank you for sharing your story. I stumbled upon your page looking for articles about healing.
I can relate to your story about trauma and healing. In high school, I joined a sorority and underwent initiation. It left scars on me. I am a work in progress in forgiving myself for the pain I allowed myself to endure. Not to mention, I disappointed my family. But more than the regret and the shame, I learned a really important lesson that my worth as a person will not depend on other people.
Although years have already passed, It is only now that I am dealing with some of the negative emotions left. I already confessed to God, but somehow the pain is still there. Nonetheless, I believe God never left my side. Looking torward to the day that I am completely healed.
Wow what a beauty for ashes testimony! Stumbled on this story as I’m preparing to speak to our churches youth group dealing with childhood trauma and what resting in the Lords loving arms and forgiving those that hurt us can do for us!
Thank you for sharing your story for His Glory!
Just as many women have experienced the same experiences in our lives as yours, we do get through it with God’s help. Just as God lead me to your site, I believe he guides us even when we are not in touch with him. I too was sexual abused as well as physically by my step father. Which lead to other men as I grew up. Forgiveness is hard but eventually came. Many ups and downs with lots of struggles throughout life till I finally turn my life completely over to God. As the song goes ” Jesus take the wheel”! I could write a book. Family and friends still have a little trouble with the different person they were use to being around. Thank God that person is not the person I am now. I am a retired hairstylist and listen to many women tell their story in my salon about abuse, and I continue to pray for them today. I am so grateful that through everything I have been through God was always there and knew that I would come out on the other side. He knew my journey and took care of me even when things were at their worst. THANK YOU JESUS!
This was a powerful story and gives hope. My story is I was abuse by my mother mental physical emotional so i allowed men to abuse me and many marriages looked for love through a man an gratification. Became a Christian around 12 years of age my best years with God.I was rebellious towards God had a rough life. My children had it rough I was never forgiven for allowing my children to live with the father for three years was in a batter woman shelter. Had full custody and then came back after three years we had joint. I mess my life up my mother was abused and raped and lived in foster homes, so i forgive her for the abuse she kepts us and loved us the way she knew how. I married unbeliever’s believers vicious cycle strong holds genrational curses all the woman have done the same thing and the children. I want clarity and understanding and Go’s will for my life i’m tired i had one true love messed it up he’s married know. I need healing forgiveness and for me to forgive change.
Praise the lord.
Yeah. Jesus had a plan for everyone’s life. We can’t able to change it.
We should move forward by the grace of Jesus.
Hey, I’ve been sexually harassed in sleep by my most trusted uncle… And m trying to forgive me… My heart hurts and the trauma hits me.. Whenever I m sleeping and feel like someone’s don’t touch me.
Not only that but they have been forcing me to marry a non believer then go abroad for studies and I’m only 19,i don’t want to be unequally yoked. I m serving Jesus! And ik he will heal me.. I wanted to get encouraged so I came across ur testimony.. It’s beautiful! Thank u for sharing it. It made me realize there are people who are suffering more than I m. And the verse u mentioned.. Is the verse God gave me this morning and m rejoiced after reading it.
Keep me in ur prayers!
To God be the glory and honor, I am encouraged to continue believing in God and his word.Amen
i relate to your story too, i was molested for years by my brothers father. Learning to heal with God now
Thank you for your testimony I too have been abused but tried hard to forgive but could not fully as there were horrific situations but I listened to a pastors message on forgiveness and some strong holds can only be uprooted through prayer and fastening though not done perfectly I asked God to give me a new heart he uprooted bitterness that was still hidden but it was a fight as I was bombarded with images by the enemy I kept saying father forgive them they know not what they do .This is what Jesus said on the cross. I started to heal and realised though what was done to me was damaging my sins are no worse than the perpetrators . When I came to understand that I thought my sins were less as I could never do that to anyone . Christ showed me how we have all fallen . It does not make it okay but forgiving someone can sometimes mean perpetrators will never admit their wrong doing . I am 51 years now but healing has been along process .I did not want to prayer for my parents but I do prayer for them now every day .
I cried so much reading your story,revealed all the wounds that were crying for help and now by the grace of God I know them and my journey of healing has started. Thank you so much for sharing your story with people like us ,I’m only 21 years old but now I know by the help of the Holy spirit I have victory in Jesus.