When my husband and I got engaged, I wanted to be as prepared as possible. I did not grow up in a Godly home and every single couple in my family has been divorced. I didn’t know much about being a wife or what a Godly woman looked like and I wanted to learn as much as I could. I wanted to learn how to safeguard our future marriage.

 I began reading all of the of articles, blogs and books I could find about wedding planning and having a Godly marriage. But most importantly, I decided to really dig into scriptures about love, marriage and being a Godly wife.

Some of the verses I have read were encouraging and some of them were really scary to me. I felt like I did not know how to live them out. I read about Godly marriages, submission, and studied the Proverbs 31 woman  but the verse that really concerned me was 1 Peter 3:4, which says:

“Instead, it [talking about your beauty] should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.” 

WOAH.

Those words caught me off guard. Gentleness and quietness made me more nervous than submission and all the things the Proverbs 31 woman is. 

If anyone in my life were to describe me in a few words, ‘gentle’ and ‘quiet’ would not be among their adjectives. Things like ‘sassy’  ‘independent’ ‘strong-willed’ or ‘outgoing’ would be more like it. So a verse that calls me to be gentle and quiet made me feel inadequate; I felt like I could never live up to that, and what’s worse, I wasn’t sure I wanted to.

After studying further and reading more about this concept, I realized the reason for my anxiety was because of a lack of understanding, not a lack of ability.

But I let my anxiety get the best of me and I began asking myself all sorts of questions. Doubt and insecurity began to bore its way into my heart and mind. 

Does this mean I have to completely change who I am in order to be a Godly woman and wife?

Is my personality ugly to God? Do I talk too much? Am I too outgoing?

Yes & no.

God made me the person I am, with all of my quirks, strengths, and weaknesses. But, He also calls us to change and become more like Christ.

He made me loud and outgoing and talkative and welcoming to people. He knows this is me, and even more, He can absolutely use it for His Glory. For that to work though, I had to surrender those parts of myself to His will and His direction and let Him refine me.

Will marriage and getting closer to God change me for the better? Yes. But I do not have to do that changing before I can walk in His calling on my life.

After a lot of conversations with my now-husband about this fear of being the wrong kind of woman for marriage, the Holy Spirit spoke through him and helped me to conceptualize what it means to have a gentle and quiet spirit.

It has nothing to do with my personality and everything to do with my heart, my attitude, and my actions.

As my husband put it, it does not mean I have to stop being who I am. I did not have to talk less or quieter, essentially, holding “me” back from the world.

In fact, he reminded me that I already have a gentle and quiet spirit, and helped me see how I already exhibited the qualities I feared I couldn’t exemplify.

One of those examples occurred just a few months before he left for Basic Combat Training for the Army.

He had expressed interest in starting a home Bible study for the group of college kids at our church. There was a small college class there already that met during Wednesday night service, but he felt we needed more. He called me one night and excitedly told me all about his plan to host a college group and build community with them.

I listened as he walked me through all of his plans and then I responded by telling him how great I thought his heart for this was and how much I loved his enthusiasm for pouring into others.

But, then I gently pointed out a few of the complications we would run into if we moved forward with his plan, especially since he had just joined the National Guard and would leaving soon for 4 months.

I told him to consider them but ultimately I would enthusiastically support whatever decision he made, including giving up every Sunday night to be there with him and keeping it afloat while he was away. He told me later that I handled that beautifully. He was thankful for my insight because I pointed out things he was too excited and tunnel-visioned to think of on his own.

What I did not do was react by telling him that his idea was bad or interrupt him while he was talking with all my counter points. I didn’t just focus on the negatives without offering encouragement first. I was patient and listened intently while he spoke. I was gentle with my reaction and spoke the truth in love.

His recollection of that story was very different from mine, but his perspective led me to a wonderful realization.

We know so much more than we give ourselves credit for. So often we let the Enemy tell us lies about who we are, making us believe we aren’t good enough and can never live up to Biblical ideals like gentleness and quietness.

Doubt and fear keep us from seeing all that we already are in Christ.

Having and exhibiting the gentle and quiet spirit God has called us to have does not mean that you have to speak quietly and never voice your opinion and walk on eggshells.

In fact, God calls His people to speak boldly and proclaim His truth.

You can speak up, you can make an entrance, you can be bold for Christ.

Having a gentle and quiet spirit is nothing more than simply becoming more like Christ and humbly letting His work in your heart shine through to the world.

Sometimes as Christians we focus so much on what one specific verse is telling us that we lose sight of the big picture. We forget about other passages and the context surrouding the verse.

I certainly did that.

If our main goal is to have a more Christ-like spirit, everything else will fall into place.  We will speak more gently to others, we will forgive more quickly, love more deeply and speak boldness at the right times, for the right reasons.

All through the Bible, God calls His children to be humble and put others before ourselves. This verse is no different and tells us that God finds a gentle, humble, obedient spirit to be of great beauty and worth. In order to achieve this kind of heart, we have to put ourselves and our own interests aside to serve a greater purpose.

A quiet and gentle Spirit is one of humility and immense love for other people. It means we do not stir up arguments for our own gain or fight anger with anger; a gentle, patient tongue is like water to a flame.

Your gentleness and tender love towards this world will speak much louder than the volume of your voice or the fervor behind your argument.

Gentleness is not weakness, as the world would have you believe. Restraint for the good of someone else is a strength; being slow to anger when the world would tell you your anger is justified is strength. We are responsible only for our own actions; we cannot control how someone treats us but what we can control is how we react.

Romans 12:18 says “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” (NIV)

To be at peace with everyone, especially those that try our patience, certainly requires a lot of humility and a lot of strength.

Being gentle and quiet in spirit really just means being obedient to God and His Word.

If we are seeking the Lord above all else, our spirits will become gentler and quieter, keeping peace with everyone and we will become more and more beautiful in God’s sight.

What are some examples in your life where you have seen a gentle and quiet spirit on display? Is the Lord working on your heart in this area?