Choosing Grace When Your Husband Watches Porn

Are you a wife whose husband watches porn?

If you have stumbled on this article, you likely are married or in a relationship with someone who struggles with pornography. It is far more common than many of us realize. And I don’t believe this is talked about enough within the Christian community.

Let the first thing I say to you be this: you are not alone. And your husband or partner is not the only one who struggles with this issue.

Men are visual creatures and are socialized to be especially vulnerable to the visual stimulation that pornography provides. This is an area that the enemy loves to use to cause strife and turmoil in marriages, especially Christian marriages.

Men are not the only ones who can struggle with watching pornography, but statistically, they struggle more than women. And since my audience is made up of mostly women, that is who I am talking to in this article.

I want you to know that I know how you are feeling. I have been in your shoes.

If your husband watches porn, it affects you deeply. You may feel hurt, betrayed, insecure, confused, or even angry. If you have been walking this road for a long time and have seen little change or improvement, you may also be feeling hopeless.

All of your feelings are completely justified and understandable.

What I’m going to call you to do in this article requires you to rise above them and choose grace despite them.

This. Is. Hard.

But, so you know, I am speaking about this from experience. I have the perspective of a wife whose husband watches porn because mine has struggled deeply with this temptation.

We have walked through the hardest part of that season together and come out stronger on the other side.

My husband was first exposed to pornography when he was in middle school and the enemy got a foothold in his heart and his mind. It has taken years of repentance, accountability, wise counsel, discipline, and grace and forgiveness from me to overcome this.

He is not perfect, but he has come a very long way since our dating days, and so have I. It is a hard thing to love someone through their struggle with pornography and choose grace when you don’t want to or the world tells you not to.

But trust me, friend, it is worth it.

For the wife whose husband is not repentant about watching pornography:

I want to put a note here for those of you who would say, “But my husband doesn’t think it’s a problem and has told me he will not stop” or has promised to seek help but doesn’t actually seek it out and continues his behavior.

This is a spouse who is not struggling with pornography. This is a spouse who is actively choosing sin. Struggling implies there is tension pulling away.

How long should a wife stay with a husband who physically abuses her?
How long should a wife stay with a husband who cheats and does not repent?
How long should a wife stay with a husband who regularly steals from the company he works for with no shame?

Just like viewing pornography, these are all sins. And the Bible is clear about how to approach a sinful believer.

Matthew 18:15-17 says,

“If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.”

If your spouse refuses to repent and seek help, accountability, and forgiveness from you then he is no longer to be treated like a Jesus-loving believer.

You are still called to forgiveness, but you are not called to stay in an abusive marriage. An unrepentant husband regularly watching other people engage in sexual activity is abusive. A screen does not make it any less of an adulterous act.

If you are at the end of your rope or are feeling trapped in a destructive marriage, this article may help bring some clarity: Christian Marriage and Divorce – When You Have Done Enough

If your husband watches porn and is genuinely repentant, here are a few things you should know:

1. You cannot change him.

No matter how badly you want to, that is not your job. You are not your husband’s Holy Spirit and you cannot change his desires.

He has to want to change.

Just like any other bad habit or addiction, recovery starts with the addict. A desire to change has to come from the heart of that person.

What you can do is pray fiercely and fervently for him to be convicted and to desire to change.

2. You cannot shame or nag him into changing.

Your husband is likely feeling enough shame already and knows that watching pornography is harmful and sinful.

Taking the negative tact and piling shame on top of shame will not work. He will be far less likely to confess it to you or admit he has a problem.

(If he doesn’t realize how harmful it is, open discussion and education on the topic would need to come first. Either way, no nagging).

3. His struggle is not about you.

More than likely, your husband does not think, “How can I hurt my wife today?” when he watches porn.

His desire is self-serving and entirely about him. 

It is not because of your sex life or lack thereof and it is not about what you look like.

Many men who watch porn actually have a healthy, thriving sex life because they view them as entirely different categories. Most men separate pornography from real life in their minds, which is why it’s so dangerous.

Eventually, this habit will begin to negatively affect your intimacy. It is important that you work together to fight this battle instead of playing the martyr.

Your husband is not the enemy.

4. There is likely a deeper root cause to this problem.

When your husband watches porn, it is likely because he is seeking stress relief or release from frustration.

It is an escape from pressure, anxiety, loneliness, or feelings of inadequacy. It is a physical manifestation of a spiritual and emotional issue.

In those moments he is seeking to gratify the desires of his flesh and not the desires of the Spirit. When he gives in to temptation, it is a lost battle of his Spirit. Together, you can win the war but you have to remember it isn’t just about pornography. It’s about his heart.

5. If your husband watches porn and wants to stop, he needs your grace and forgiveness to overcome it.

If you call yourself a Christian, then you know how powerful grace and forgiveness are. The world would tell you that punishing your husband with silence, tears, withholding intimacy, and outbursts of anger are totally justified.

But that is not how forgiven sinners are called to act.

We forgive others because we have been forgiven ourselves. Ephesians 4:32 tells us to “be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.“

To forgive is not to condone. Forgiveness is meant to lighten the load on our hearts and soften the heart of the other person.

*to clarify, there is a difference between withholding intimacy to punish and setting a boundary for intimacy your own safety. Those are not the same thing.

RELATED: How to Help Your Husband Battle Temptation

So, how do you show grace and love when you feel betrayed and hurt?

1. You remember how much grace and love Christ has shown you. 

Romans 3:23-24 says that “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.”

We have all sinned and made mistakes but God has shown us unfathomable forgiveness and grace.

And we don’t just sin once, we repeatedly lie and gossip and give in to temptations despite the fact that we know it’s wrong. Yet, God continues to forgive us every time we confess and repent of that sin to Him.

Because we have been lovingly forgiven when we didn’t deserve it, we can forgive others when they don’t deserve it.

When your heart starts to turn its focus on your husband’s mistakes and the hurt it has caused, try to remember that he is just as forgiven and loved as you are. And it is not your place to judge his heart.

2. You let yourself feel and process.

Choosing grace and forgiveness does not mean you have to suppress your emotions.

Give yourself a little time and space to process that hurt or anger or disappointment. Forgiving doesn’t mean we shove our feelings down and ignore them; it means we let ourselves feel them, process them and then choose to overcome them.

Your feelings do not dictate your reality or your decisions.

You don’t have to stay stuck in the mud of your hurt or your anger. You can choose to step forward out of it, letting God’s power within you propel you forward.

So, if you find yourself discovering that your husband watches porn or that he has slipped again, remind him that you love him but that you need some space to process before you discuss it.

Take your heart to God in prayer and seek wise, trusted counsel if you need it.

This does not mean bashing your husband to a group of friends. It means confidential, trusted persons who can give Biblically sound advice and pray with you.

If you feel you need deeper help to repair the damage, go to counseling. That is not a sign of weakness or incompetence; it’s an admittance that you are unsure how to move forward and you need help.

3. You separate the person from the problem. 

Your spouse is so much more than just this struggle. They are still the person you committed to, they are still the person you chose to build a life with. He is still a human being who loves you and is learning how to navigate the world.

His struggle with this one thing does not negate all of his other positive qualities.

If this is just one of the many displays of sinful behavior, that is another issue altogether. But if your husband is still working hard, an otherwise good husband, a loyal friend, and/or a loving father, then focus on those things.

Affirm the good stuff and let the Lord deal with the bad stuff.

4. You diligently cover your husband in prayer.

One of the best weapons you have in fighting on behalf of your husband is prayer.

This struggle is the manifestation of a deeper spiritual issue and fighting it is a spiritual battle. He needs you to stand with him.

Pray for his mind to be protected, for his heart to draw nearer to the Lord, and for strength against temptations.
Pray for his heart to remain humble and teachable and for open communication to continue.
Ask God to open his eyes to the harm that watching porn is causing and for his heart to be open to the correction of the Holy Spirit.
Pray for your intimacy to be unharmed and for each of you to remain vulnerable with one another.

RELATED: 8 Things Your Husband Needs You To Be Praying For

5. You check in periodically out of concern and not condemnation. 

This one is important. Don’t ignore the problem or assume he is handling it fine on his own. Every now and then, simply ask how he is doing with temptation and ask if there is anything specific you can be praying with him about.

This should come from a heart of concern and wanting to help, not from a place of hoping to “catch” him.

It’s important for these check-ins to be full of compassion and not judgment. If you want him to continue to open up and be vulnerable with you, you have to work to receive it with grace.

You each should have full access to each other’s phones and computers, including account passwords. If you feel like this is an invasion of privacy, you might want to ask yourself why you feel that way.

^This was actually a specific tip from my husband. It helps with accountability if he knows you can see what he’s doing at any time.

6. You encourage him to find accountability and help outside of your marriage.

You cannot be the only person keeping him accountable. He likely feels a lot of pressure to not hurt or disappoint you or cause further damage to your marriage.

Encourage him to seek an accountability partner through a friend, pastor, or mentor. You could also encourage him to seek counseling from a pastor or therapist, or join a support group.

It’s important for him to have some community that understands what he is going through and can speak from their own experience.

He can also use technology designed for this purpose, such as Covenant Eyes. You can find a great article that lists free and paid options here. 

Is this an area where your husband struggles? Do you know someone whose husband watches porn?

This is a difficult thing to walk through, but if you choose grace and trust God with his heart, you will come out the other side a stronger, more wise couple. You can walk through seasons like this and still end up with a strong, thriving marriage.

But the choice of how you are going to handle this battle is up to you.

Your Sister in Christ,