You may have similar memories to mine if you married young or are a young person engaged to be married. These days, people are very open about how they feel towards young married couples. Though this is more prevalent in the secular community, there is a very palpable stigma towards marrying before you “experience life” and even against marrying at all. I was not treated the best when I was engaged. I was 20 years old and I looked like I was 12. Strangers blatantly asked me if I was even old enough to be legally married. I had people ask me how old I was, and then awkwardly ‘congratulate’ me after I replied “20.” I had one young woman ask me if I was pregnant. When I said no, she looked completely confused by my answer.  “You’re getting married… because you want to?” “Yes, ma’am. I am.” All this from complete strangers. My family and friends who knew us as a couple were supportive and genuinely happy for us, but many of them were still reserved in their celebration. Many of them lovingly expressed concern over our decision.  I was 21 when I got married in October of 2013. When we got engaged, we were juniors in college and were seniors when we got married. 

We both knew our lives were going to include each other, and we wanted to build that life together instead of separately.

We had, and still have, a lot to learn about life and so much to experience, but we were mature enough to know that the decision we were making was permanent, serious and would require a lifetime of effort and intentionality from both of us.  Getting married just before we graduated college would definitely lead to some financial hardship and that life would be far from easy. We knew making a marriage work would take sacrifice, compromise, and a whole lot of selflessness. But we were willing to commit to that and to each other.  We prayed we planned, we budgeted and saved, and we married with the help and support of our families. 

Did we struggle? Absolutely.

Marrying before we were even out of college meant we had different experiences than others, but that does not mean they were worse experiences. We had a learning curve balancing our school and work schedules while also trying to lay a strong foundation for our marriage. We walked through some financial difficulties in the beginning, but we also had two incomes and the support of one another to get through those tight months. There were two brains to consider solutions and another person to pick up the slack when life got hard for one of us. Some may say those struggles were unnecessary but because we walked through them together, we are a stronger couple now.

Marrying “Young” has a lot more to do with maturity and resilience than with age.

Some 21-year-olds have no clue what they want out of life and aren’t ready to commit to a t-shirt, let alone a life with another person. Some 21-year-olds don’t have things figured out yet, and that’s okay. And then, there are some 21-year-olds who figured things out a little sooner than others, and that’s okay too. I have a degree in Psychology, so I know at least the basics about the development of the brain; things like the amygdala and prefrontal cortex, and how that affects a young person’s decision making. Very basically, the amygdala is like the gas and the prefrontal cortex is like the brakes. The amygdala develops more fully before the prefrontal cortex, which means young people can sometimes make poor decisions when there is a lot of gas (such as emotionally charged states, like anger or lust). Their “brake” system is not developed enough to slow them down properly. This is one of the last things that develops in a person’s brain, generally around the age of 25. Though this development is a linear process, everyone develops at a slightly different pace.  There is no magic formula for the day your child will start walking or talking. There is also no set age for when a kid would be ready to be at home alone. The same it true for when a person becomes ready to commit to another person for life, either.

So how do you know if you are ready? How did we know?

There is no formula or cut score that will tell you if you are ready to get married. If you really reflect on who you are and how you make decisions, your heart will tell you. You just have to listen. Ask yourself why you want to get married and why now? Get counsel from wise, older people around you. Pray and seek God’s wisdom about your decision. Discuss your future with your significant other; if you can’t discuss that maturely with your partner, you likely aren’t ready to begin a life together. Contrary to what Hollywood would tell you, discussing your plans for marriage with your potential future spouse will not “ruin the surprise” of your engagement or diminish the magic of it at all. Mark and I discussed our plans for our futures very early in our dating relationship and I knew my proposal was coming. How he proposed still surprised me and was an incredibly special moment between the two of us. But do you know what it did take away? The anxiety and uncertainty of not knowing where my relationship was headed and what he wanted out of it. No matter your age, that is not what qualifies you for entering a marriage covenant. You can be 18 and be ready and also be 80 and not be ready. Maturity, commitment, selflessness, and willingness to learn and be refined by Christ in your marriage is what you need. Are you a young person engaged to be married or deciding when to marry? Are you married now? What was your experience? Tell me about it in the comments! With love, Ashley

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